“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*