Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
wtf is an acronym