@robfee: Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.
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@JamesBarretts: Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
@hamspamtymaam: If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime
@Prof_Hinkley: Friend: are you ready for our hike? Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about