When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.