If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
You Might Also Like
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
liiiiiiiiike
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.