@hollywood_95_69: Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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@HarryRamble: I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@KenJennings: TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER 7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection. Me: How many do you have? 7yo: Zero. Me: ZERO? 7yo: I said it was empty.
@_SingleBabyMama: I answer with an automatic "Yes" each time my mom says "Oh, have I told you...?" I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.