Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.