“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire