“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
much to think about
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.