“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO