astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me recordaron éste meme
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.