Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
this country is so goddamn polarized
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading