“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that