“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Reporter: *ports again*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for