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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.