I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
And bowling should be called pinball
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.