HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.