HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
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Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
What personal space?
My dog
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not