Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.