Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I am HOWLING at this
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Found the job I’m suited for
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…