Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist