Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You Might Also Like
Software Development ⛵️
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I’M CRYINGGG
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy