Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.