Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.