Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.