heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Every time.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook