here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
584.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!