here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
🏙👨🏼
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.