Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏