Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
why would tinder want me to say this
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me