@wolfpupy: heres my To Do List - become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Hey dude, there's 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to... And now he's talking to me! Someone call 911!
@jake_likes_naps: *cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.
@longwall26: "Whatcha inventing?" "I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids?" "Sure."
@LuckoftheDraw86: "Every child's a gift." "Your 'gift' is eating his own boogers right now." "..." "I hope you saved the receipt."