heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
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My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Every time.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away