There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5