In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Doormats are a gateway rug.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.