“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Boating season is upon us.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…