Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”