PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Guys, I found it.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same