[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
They got Raph!
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.