“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Always 🥴
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”