Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”