HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit