Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
You Might Also Like
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
my name if I was in the mob
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me