What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.