wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I have many caverns
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My whole life was a lie.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.