Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Time heals everything 🙂
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”