“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
We need more people like this.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.