“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Happy weekend !
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.