Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.