If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Well, shit
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…