Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.