Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The internet is magic sometimes.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Raisins are grape jerky.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?